Thursday, 20 May 2010

ON...CHANGE...

We all come with baggages... whether its good or bad, depends on how we view those baggages. Most of the time, those baggages, we either inherit it or we simply collect it along the way... and our baggages are always something so personal. Something that happened to us which involved people we love the most...especially our family, our parents.

One of the baggages that i've been carrying my entire life has always been you. How i used to looked up on you for being the hero in my life, how my trust was crushed in seconds, how my love faded bit by bit, how i've struggled and am still struggling to achieve one success after the other just so you appreciate and notice my existence, how i try my very best not to push you aside or resent you when things doesn't happen the way i wanted/planned, how i try to forgive and forget yet failed, how i try to open my heart and place you there... the list is endless.

I guess things will not change, it's not fair for me to expect you to change or to demand changes. At the end of the day, so much energy is wasted for nothing, for things that may not happened or materialized. Therefore, i have to change and make the changes that i want. As Gandhi once said...you have to be the change that you want to see...

so i tell myself...grow up!!!! Don't expect changes to happen just because you want it that way...Make the change!!! Be the change....and maybe, just maybe... change will happen...one way or the other...

Thursday, 13 May 2010

ON... TRUTH

The saying goes...honesty is the best policy...that the truth shall set you free...but somehow or another, we are afraid of the truth that we hide it from everybody, from everything. Most of the time, i'd say that you'd have to tell the truth, the whole truth and that there's no such thing as white lies... at times...a very rare occasion in my life...i find that telling the truth did ended with me getting into trouble and most of the time it's unintentional...

Is there a difference between lying and keeping the truth from one's knowledge? Is it a good defence to say that you didn't tell the truth because no one asked you about it or that you were made to keep the truth as a secret? How do you justify what you say, what you meant to say and what you should have said? Is there a need for you to justify your actions? Do you owe it to youself, to justify certain actions that you may have made or omitted to make in your life?

A dear friend confided in me things which ended only to question my actions in the past and though i may have the answers for behaving such ways, i do not think that my dear friend would understand my reasonings... but there's also a voice in me which asked whether there is a need for me to explain mysleft, only for me to resort to keeping quite. Was i right in making such decisons? Do i owe my dear friend such explaination when the truth might hurt or make my friend more confused?

Is there a limit of what i should or should not tell my friends...especially my best friends and my good friends....why do we have different categories for different friends anyways? Recent episodes in my life has made me questioned myself on whether i am a good friend or not? Whilst i've had convinced myself that i am a good friend, i cannot help to think of whether my friends would agree with me or not...

Friday, 7 May 2010

ON... RAMBLINGS again...

most of the time when things don't materialised the way we plan or want it to happen, we always ask ourselves...where have we gone wrong?...then we will also say....why is god punishing me?...

we never seemed to be able to accept that sometimes things falter for no reason...no matter how much time we have invested, how much effort we have put in...if it's gonna be doomed...it will... and nothing we can ever do to beat it...
most of the time we always assert unnecessary pressure on ourselves...we keep on pushing ourselves thinking we can do better yet we failed to realise that we are just normal human beings with no extra-ordinary power to ensure things happen the way we want it to happen...

why do we push ourselves anyway? what are we trying to prove? when we strive for the best...we must also accept failure as an outcome...it may not be a choice but we cannot deny the existence of failure in our lives...

i am not a superwoman...whilst sometimes i do wish that i am but certain times...i am just human...i am fabulous, weak, smart, lazy, happy, lovely, a nightmare at times...!!!
 

ON...THE COLLITION OF MIND AND HEARTS - CHAPTER ONE

i was 14 and was in school when i first noticed you. I lied...i have noticed you since i started secondary school and people were just talking about you and your ways. they would make small remarks of what a nice person your are, how you have your ways in handling things at work and how easy it is to talk to you.

we never spoke except for the usual greetings whenever we bumped into each other...then you were assigned to me...i started to work harder, making sure that i submitted my work on time, making sure that i do extremely well for you papers, all these i did it just to gain your attention. yes i was intrigued by you. i used to think that your had cast a spell on me for i look forward to come to school, looking for you and have small conversations with you....then things were bad for me...

i was in some sort of emotional limbo, everything was wrong in my life that i find it hard to continue living...i was surprised that you noticed the change in me and took it as your responsiblity to help me out in any ways  that was possible....for that, i truly appreciate it till now. you were there for a shoulder to cry on, for an ear to listen to my thoughts, my anger and my frustration....you were there to guide me and make sure i  don't lose  the battle with my emotions. because of the things that you did for me...i somehow grew to feel for you...i grew to be fond of you and  felt that i needed to work hard so that i do not fail you. 

my mind and heart were playing with me but you stood firm and kept me grounded. but till now i have never forgotten you, your smile, your guidance, your support and presence in my life....thank you for being there when i was at my most vulnerable state of mind...growing up was tough and challenging but you were there to guide me and show me the paths that i should choose.... thank you.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

ON....RAMBLINGS

i had lunch with a few people from work whom i rarely have the chance to meet or talk or even hangout with...most of the time when we meet, it is usually us exchanging small talks when we bumped into each other along the corridor or in the ladies.

so as we were having our lunch, we talked and the conversation moved from one topic to another and it made me realise that people aren't who they seemed to be. usually we are quick to judge and be judgmental (isn't that the same????...eheheheheh) of people that we don't know or because others have things to say about those people. i abstain from judging people especially from first impression, then again i do not have opinion about anybody until they deserve one anyway.
i realise that at times we share similar sentiments about our family. about how our parents can be so clueless of who their children really are coz to them, what they see is what they get. but does it mean that we as children are world's biggest hypocrites for deceiving our parents? how much of truth do children need to reveal to their parents, on their personality, emotions and everything else under the sun? is there are requirement for such disclosure? whatever happened to the saying...what they don't know, can't hurt them?

in making choices, we would end up being in dillema. they say the truth will set you free, but somehow or rather you feel compelled of making decisions that suits others' expectations. is there a time limit of when you stop living live for others and start living life as you want it to be? talk is cheap and it is always easier said than done.
people can always say that you are such a dearie or that they love you or that you are everything to them...then again where are these people when you need them the most? at that very second, minute, hour in your life when you need that very person suddenly she/he is not there to hold your hands, to suport you emotionally, to listen to your fears and thoughts. when this happens, is it the end of that precious relationship? 

there was once somebody whom i instantaneously got attached to for reasons that i couldn't explain myself, at that time until a moment later, that person was everything to me and i am confident to say that the feeling was mutual. words were exchanged to comfort one another but somehow or rather, that magical moment vanished as fast as it begun. it was only then i understood the true meaning of instant attraction but only for it to hurt me at a later time.
sometimes as much as you remind yourself to be careful and not lose your barrings, you just slipped!!! it wasn't planned but you just slipped...and when that happens, it hurts so bad... so bad that even when you thought you were soooo over the matter, you only end up crying and being miserable when you stopped loving.....

life...it is sure like a box of chocolates...full of surprises....tears, sadness, laughters and happiness....it all comes in the same box...you can pick what you think is the best flavour but it might not be the best...i hope i don't screw my life for things and people who are not worthy of it...it is time for me to live my life, as i want it....!!!! 

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

life is a mysterious journey....
u plan for one thing, only for something else to happen
at the end of it...who gives a damn anyway...

life is what you make out of it
the attempts that you made should not be excuses
for you to give up or lose hope
just go with the flow

it can't all be smooth sailing
it can't all be that bad
there's always light at the end of the tunnel
move on...life should not be stilll
so add some sparks in it....