Sayang...

I janji... I tak kan sia-siakan you
Be with me forever... please...

Sayang...

You are everything that my heart ever dreamt of
A dream come true...
Someone real that is no longer an imagination...

Every time I am with you
I feel so surreal
For what have i done
To deserve a miracle like you...

Thank you for being a dream come true...



                                                                                                                      24/07/2014

Sayang...

I love you always
I miss you all the time
I need you so much
I want you... the whole of you...

I want to hold your hands
I want to touch your legs
And kiss every inch of it
So that you could feel my love for you...

Promise me...
That you will bever ever leave me
Please...


                                                                                                                 23/07/2014

Sayang,

I never thought that you would mean this much to me...

You should be kissed 
You should should be held
You should be touched
You should be felt

Every minute... every hour... all the time...

You deserved to be loved and cared for all the time...

The more I push you away
The more I love you
The more I need you
Please stay... your promised...

I love you with all my heart and soul
I love you more than I love myself
I love you and I will care for you...
For the rest of my life 

Every time we touched
I give you a piece of my heart
Please take care of it
It's very fragile...

                                                                                                                10/08/2014

What is true love...?

True love is everything but a fairy tale...
True love is a search... uphill... downwards...
Look around you and what do you see?
Children running around with their friends... all smiles...
Couples holding hands and whispering words of love...
Dreams and hopes colliding with each other...

All seems too good to be true...

For the discovery of true love is nothing but a billion steps...
It comes unexpectedly but it is more than a glimpse...
It comes with pain, agony but you hold it close to you...
For there is suffering and heartaches in the search for true love...

We often ask ourselves...
How can something so right be so so so wrong at the same time...?
How is it that even if you do find your true love... chances are you may not be together...?
Is there such a thing as true love...?

Life is but a fairytale...

Yet we never let go of that fairytale...
We steal bits and pieces of time thinking it would be enough...
We make plans in hopes it would materialised...
We are dreamers... holding on to uncertainties...

At the end... by the time we realise it...
It would be too late... there's no turning back...

If there is ever anything that i could do... It would be me standing next to you... So that you can lean on me anytime you need to...

At this moment, being away from you... doesn't hurt that much. Of course i think of you and i miss you... but it is more bearable nowadays. I tease you, I pick on you... only because my insecurities have the better of me...

I tell myself not to let myself go too much for you. But you have your ways to make me fall for you and you don't even realise it... then again maybe you do know why you are doing this... I could be the foolish one...

Every second... every minute... every hour and every day that we spent together... You make me fall for you... My being now is the result of your creation and moulding... this is a scary bit that is beyond my comprehension...

I am scared for you are totally aware of the game being played now and I am an amateur... 

I am scared for you are totally in control and I let you control me...

I am scared for you make me this way... with your sparkling eyes... gentle voice... soft touches... 

I am possessed by you...

I am scared because this is a game i know too well and lose all the time...

You don't complete me

You don't have me

You don't own me

You don't own me

Yet... I find that my every movement is determine by you... Is based to your likings and I am scared...

For this is a story with no sweet ending... for you control my being... 

I am scared...

So much to say... so much has happened since i last wrote here...

I am glad that i have moved on... that your shadow no longer haunt me like it used to... that i could hear your name mentioned and feel nothing about it... It doesn't hurt any more... and I thank God for releasing me from you...

But i will not lie... I do think of you sometimes... but it is important to note that thinking of you doesn't hurt me anymore... I feel so deliberated...

Those times that passed by... they have stories to tell, secrets to keep and memories to be passed on... and I will carry them with me for eternity...

I now realised that forever is not as long as it seems... that togetherness is an objective played by mind... For what is important is to know that you can't fight alone coz it's a lonely battle... you can pray hard, do your utmost and hope for the best... Life is full of magical mysteries and i hope one day... you will discover the wonders that I am talking about...

Today, at this very moment, I want you to know that i have moved on... I am still alone... but i have stopped hurting and I have moved on...

Today, at this very moment, I want to thank you for being part of my life journey... Thank you for the lessons taught...

i still think of you and each time i think of you, it hurts more than ever. sometimes i wonder whether i ever cross your mind. sometimes i long to feel you next to me, to hear your voice, to have you needing me.

i wonder what being free means? most of us think being free is about doing as you wish... you are not free, you are a runner... you run away from your so-called problems and wish that they will go away. well let me tell you this, life is not as easy as that...

i want you...
i need you...

The week that was full of unexplained emotions, questions unanswered and a future to ponder on. Whilst writing this journal entry, I find myself still in a state of bewilderment, asking myself…is life a journey that is full of burdening responsibilities, expectations and a standard that one must strive to uphold, in order to survive?

 
Since you appeared in my life, nothing remains the same anymore. Every time I replay that moment of our first encounter, I silently pray that I have an eraser to erase that moment. Now don’t get me wrong, you are not a bad person nor are you a mistake that shouldn’t happened. It’s just that life wouldn’t be as complicated as it is now had we not met. Still, I believe in fate and that God works in mysterious ways that is not within our capabilities to neither understand nor justify.

 
I do however, feel that for any relationship to survive for eternity, the must be an equilibrium point where both parties are at a win-win situation but that is not the case between us. Sometimes I wonder why I make myself ever so available for you, when you keep playing hot and cold on me. I always thought that you need me more because I’m supposed to be the mature and wiser one, for lending my shoulders for you to cry on, ears to listen to your complicated and challenging life journey as well as your dreams and thoughts. I am that person who would hold your hands whilst listening to the words that come from your heart, wiping the tears that pour from your eyes and accompany you on your sleepless nights.

I’ve been warned of your selfish intention to milk my attention only for you. I’ve been warned that this will be a journey where I will end up being hurt the most. I’ve been advised to put this to an end before I lose myself to you. Whilst my dearest, dearest friends are right, I am however, a hopeless emotional fool who rules her life with her heart, ignorant of what her mind dictates. And because of this, every time when we say goodbye, I get all emotional and sad because I’ve come to realise that I need you more than ever before.

 
Life is a journey that leads you to different paths that confuses you each time you come to a T-junction. Whilst your mind would whisper which way to turn after calculating the risks, your heart will scream, demanding that you turn into the opposite direction from what your mind decided. And every time this happens, I would end up laughing and have that cynical grin on my face, for realising that I made the wrong move and that is no turning point for me to erase that move.

Sometimes I feel that I am very hard on myself, for being such a masochist, for living life in a roller coaster and a bumper car. But I like it that way. I opine that one should not expect life to be a bed of roses or a walk along the beach or sweet as a Popsicle. I believe that life should be full of challenges that you need to overcome with positive mind set to neutralise the negativity and find the balancing point which enables you to face and embrace the challenges ahead with positivity.
 

Life may be full of challenges that turns your world up-side-down, demotivates you at any chance that life may have but at the end of the day, when all those are faced in positivity and love, you will be a winner. Together, you and I will overcome the challenges ahead, as a team. There is no point to look back and wonder if we made the right choice or if life is discriminating or hard on us. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel and it may be a long walk to get there, but it will be worth it.
 

Live life for life is beautiful.
 

THE END

I gave myself till June... June came and gone and things didn't happen the way I wished it would. be. I finally realised that i need to liberate myself from you and everything about you. But it has proven not to be an easy task for me to do so, for i am constantly reminded of you. Everything around me reminds me of you and it hurts so bad and you are so oblivious to this fact. So I am letting you go. Slowly but surely, I am letting you go because I need to stop hurting myself. It feels strange at first to let you go bit by bit but i could sense you slipping away from me and there is nothing that I could do about it anymore.

Maybe there's more for me to do so that I can have you in my arms. Maybe I should have let you know how I felt for you since we first met but there's no use for it now...not anymore....

To me... to love is to liberate but to you...to love is to suffer...how much different can we be anymore...? Inside of me, I'm dying slowly. Every time we meet nowadays it hurts me more and there's nothing that I could do about it... i guess I'd rather hurt and be in pain than to lose your sight forever...

Came across this when i was going thru some wordings... mmm... how true... like how long can you actually restraint yourself from something so real yet so far from your grasp? how do you deal with it?

It's like if you... if you deny yourself something long enough... for whatever self-imposed reason, you know, the moment you are faced with any real external imposition you're going to voluntarily want to do the thing that you were trying so hard not to do... B