ooohhhh little bird...where are thou??? u seem to enjoy doing this to me...making me wait and wait and wait for you... aaahhhh no wonder they say: patience is virtue...

little bird ... i cant wait for our adventure to take off soon.... soon little bird...soon... :)

bought two books over the weekend....attempting to finish both books before the new year arrives... so shall now start with ... KAMIKAZE: Japan's suicide samurai....

 For some reason... i am repeating these wordings which i once wrote earlier in this blog... i hope it gives you a chance to realize that at certain times...i just dont know what to do...

 

"When I am scared, I micro-manage...

When I am uncertain, I over-state...

When I am challenged, I mmmmm belittle and lash-out

And when I love someone, I try put that person in a box..."

last night i sent you a text and you replied, though not immediately but till now i have yet to read what your reply is. why have i not read you may ask, well don't ask, for i myself don't know why, when all i want is you....

i cried yet you did not hear me...mmmmmmmmmmm

sometimes.....love is just ain't enough...

i want more and more and more

then i start making demands...

yet  i know  that it is ridicolous

for who am i to make such demands

for i haven't got a clue

from whom am i making these demands

when all i want is you

aaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes when you end up doing everything on your own
it is tempting and nice ....
to have someone to look over your shoulder

it may not be the same
nor would it makes it easier
but try to relax and savour the moment

when you have that someone
to lend a shoulder and an ear
just for you...

be selfish!!!

i think by now you'd realize
how selfish i can be
how demanding i can be
how over-zealous i can be
how stubborn-headed i can be

yeah...they dont call me a selfish bitch for no reason

if absence makes the heart grow fonder...
and if parting is such sweet sorrow....

why does it hurt so bad????

"HONEY!!!!!!!...sunday is dull...wonder why???......oh yeah..U r not thr with me!"

you sent this to me...juz went i try to distant myself from you...i want it all or nothing at all...but i know it's not sumthing that i cant demand nor u can give...that is why it hurts so bad...

what am i to do? for each time i see you i get hurt sooo bad...i'm crying inside...but i put a brave face in front of everybody.... and yes...my days seem dull without you...but i shall not let that control my life...for i am hurting without you knowing it....

hahahaa!!! if only....

i can do anything
for you and our living
for love and eternity
i can do anything

i can be anything
that you'd want me to be
that would make you happy
i will be your everything

would you do anything
and be everything
so that our destiny can meet
and we live for eternity

~07/12/2009~

faith
such sweet word
yet i still wonder
do i belief?

death
such sweet sorrow
it makes me ponder
am i morbid?

love
if only it is easy
for the journey is endless
for you to get what you need

~07/12/2009~

i take risks on my terms
i look then i jump
and it still hurts

i live life on my terms
i love, hate, cry and laugh
and it still hurts

for i am not complete
for i am not perfect
to live or to love
to be happy or perfect

if i were to have you in my life
will all change?
for better or worst
till time do us part?

~07/12/2009~

once upon a time
i used to wonder about time
to think, to work, to sweat
it all needs time

time is my enemy and dearest friend
yet i took time to realize that
i ask for more time each day

to love, to live, to ponder
what do i do with my time
they say time will tell
time will heal

yet i have wasted a lot of time
and experienced none of this
time... where are thou?

~07/12/2009~

ON...AGONY

u called this morning and though we spoke and i was concern with your situation, somehow or rather it was not the call that i was hoping to received.

i hate this feeling for it is impossible to expect something that i know can never be possible. it is so far-fetched that i feel hurt...is it possible to feel hurt when the intention was not there in the beginning? i wish it is simpler...for should i distant myself, it will be noticed by all...

or this could just be me and my pms....hormone disorder that no scientific reasoning can uncover... i hate this feeling...

ON...SOMETHING ALWAYS BRINGS ME BACK TO YOU...

no matter how hard i tried to be away... to ignore this feeling of aching and yearning for you.. no matter how i tried to stay away... be far away... to push you away from my mind, my heart, my soul...my thoughts...

something always bring me back to you
it never takes too long
no matter what i say or do, i still feel you here, till the moment i'm gone

you hold me without touch
you keep me without chains
i never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

set me free, leave me be
i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
here i am and i stand so tall, just the way i'm supposed to be
but you are on to me and all over me

you loved me because i'm fragile
when i thought i was strong
but you touch me for a little while, and all my fragile strength is gone

i live here on my knees
as i try to make you see
that you are everything that i think i need here on the ground
but you're neither friend nor foe
though i can't seem to let you go
the one thing that i still know is that you're keeping me down

~ sarah braillies ~

ON...BREAKING MY HEART

I'm thinking here...why does love always feel like a battlefield??? i was expecting to hear the words "...finally!!! hallelujah!!!!..." but what i heard instead were words totally unexpected....

i remembered the times when people were pushing for me to decide and get it over with but now what they want me to do is to reconsider and move on....totally unexpected....i'm weighing the outcomes...whether it will be good or bad...because as always i do not jump before i look....

i know and i am totally aware of what the worst can be...maybe i am ready to face the obstacles and challenges in the future....u may say it's crap but i am one tough cookie!!!!! maybe this is what i want ... have you ever thought of that? About what i want?

I am crying inside....nobody knows it not even you...as i drove home last night in the rain...tears were running down my cheeks...i cried yet i wasn't even thinking of you...i cried because i did not get the support i was counting for... not fro you...or you....or even you...

When all that matters the most is your support...for you to be there when my life is falling because of the bad choices i made...for your to lend your shoulder for me to cry on...for you to wipe my tears and hear out my notes of frustration and disappointments....i cried...

I love the way you're breaking my heart
It's terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly thrilling
I love the way you're breaking my heart
Although you're gonna ruin it
It's heaven while you're doin' it
I love the way I feel when we kiss
You're terribly, terribly, terribly irresistible
Sigh to me, and lie to me, you really know how
It's gonna hurt tomorrow, but it feels so good now
So darling, just keep playing your part
Take your time and really finish the things that you start
'Cause I love the way you're breaking my heart!

~ Peggy Lee ~

Y is it that as you approach into your 30s...people will tend to be annoying? they'd want to know ur life planning...especially whom r u with n when r u getting married??????

it's like a billion dollar question that everyone in this planet will hv to hear when the time comes...whtr you like it or not....question is....must all of us get married????????? if i'm gay and i get married to my partner...is that considered as marriage per se? what if i do get married yet i am not happy? is it worth it to be trapped in a love-less marriage for the rest of your life? what if i don't want to get married...or be married?

my best fren is of the opinion that love is a feeling that you can developed once you are married...what is important is to be committed and honest to each other...is it true???? how can you get married to a person that you don't even love? would it actually compensate if that person truly appreciates and honours you as a spouse?...and love will come naturally after that....mmmmm

my problem is that i want to feel love...being in love and loved is not enough if i cant feel love... i want a fairytale love story...where we live happily ever after...i want to be swept off my feet and all...but then life and love does not co-exists that way la...

mmmmm....till now i have yet seen nor go tru a perfect relationship or marriage...perfect to me does not involve material or monetary values...it's the feeling and warmth of the relationship that counts the most...yet i have not found it...

it is a quest that i need to go tru in order to make me belief that there is such thing as soulmates, endless love and all...oooo cupid...wer are thou???

ON...BEING HONEST

There is always a consequent to your actions...be it a good one or a bad one...but i am a firm believer that whatever the outcome of your actions may be, you need to be honest...because lying will always make it worst...especially when you are caught lying...

i am bad at lying because i tend to have this guilty smile on my face each and every time after i lie...because of this...i'd rather admit to a fault rather than be defensive and lie about it...because one lie will always lead to another and i have short-term memory to remember what i said....

As they say...honesty is the best policy, the truth will set you free...and lastly,..the truth hurts...so deal with it...

ON...BATTLEFIELD

I like this song...sometimes i wish things are simpler... but that would just make life a bore, wouldn't it? i need to add some spice to it...make it spicier and interesting...

ON...LIFE

I came across this quote earlier today and was deeply touched by it...it made me wondered... if only i have that someone extra special for me to whisper these words....oooo maybe someday I will have that someone extra special....till then...

One day you will ask me... which is more important?
My life or yours?
I will say MINE and you will walk away...not knowing
that you are MY LIFE...

~ Khalil Gibran ~

ON...LIMBO ROCK

My life seems like a limbo at the moment...i wish there's sum certainty in it... especially when matters of the heart is concern..

i wish...i wish...well...if wishes were horses then i'll be riding my whole life ain't it...

ON...CHESS

i played a game of chess wit a fren last nite...over coffee...after dinner...it wuz fun though...i havent played for a loooong time and it felt really good... especially since i won the game...hehehehe poor chip...yes i am up for a rematch....juz name d place...

whilst playing i suddenly had dis idea in my mind...that d game wld have been better if i were to play against my other half...then again...i do not have a better half....at d moment la... as i was driving home it made me feel a bit upset...suddenly i have no control about who my other wld be and when will he sweep my feet over...

i ended up recalling those numerous conversations i had with my BFFs... i hope i dont grow ole alone...worst still...lonely...

life..full of drama and crossroads...u never know where u will end up at/in...

ON BEING SICK....

i'm sick...i dont feel good nor i feel well.... i hv this lump in my throat that keeps bugging me wenever i am stressed... it's bugging me coz it makes me feel uncomfortable to swallow...even my saliva...that how uncomfy i feel at the moment...

i wish i could go away, then again i am going away for the weekend... work... y do i hv to force myself to work??? i am such a masochist la... superior idiot strike again earlier this week... for things that are not within my control... what to do... then again i do know what to do.

if u ask me to choose between my job and my family... i choose my family... so i suggest that u think before u talk or else u r sooo gonna make a fool out of urself.... then again u r a fool, arent u???

what do you tink if i were to start a petition that grants us the freedom to kill not more than 10 people tru-out ur entire life??? do think this is something do-able?

i seriously think that the world is full of idiots...that's very unfortunate isn't it? what never seize to amuse me is that they do not realize that they are idiots!!!! i tot it takes one to know the other... mmm maybe they are juz in denial or sumthg...

i guess my friends would realize how i've changed since i've been on this job...sadly it's not for better but for worst...i'll sometimes text them telling how life is being surrounded by superior idiots who thinks that they know every because of their seniority whilst in fact they know nothing... but i guess that's how most of them are here anyway...

i bet u my apartment that 3/4 of them in this building will not be where they are today if u are to rate them on their merits...to me it is of non-existence...but hey!!! who am i to critize wat so not...

and no one's a gentleman ere nor are they knowledgeable or informative about their work ect..... i juz hope that i dont end up being one of them...shoot me if & when i do k....!

ON THE JOB...

i've started work....it has been 1 month now...this has been my dream job since i was 21...

somehow i manage to be gainfully employed b4 i hit the big 3-0!!! juz within the target. i was in the knowledge room for 3 weeks plus...floating - as they say it here...but i didnt mind as it gave me time to catch-up on my reading n i get to minggle wit new faces as well....reported to my assigned dept only for me to be told to move to another within a few hours...but hey it's juz part of life parcels....

i came here mostly due to my own effort but my chances of being here was also due to the help xtended by a close family fren...whom ive not met in ages but has been keeping in touch since early dis years...found myself being drawn to that voice and i finally confirmed my crush when i got the chance to meet this person in flesh....yes, age may have the better of this person but i cannot deny that it is not to the person's disadvantage....well... at least im more motivated to go to work now...hahahaha!!!

ive been in this dept for more than a week now...still havent gotten my room or even my pc yet... hv yet to be mentally drilled though i can say that so far the people in the dept are fairly nice... but still need to watch wat i say or do....

in the mean time that person still keep in touch...asking how im doin & coping up...and i'll start day dreaming again...for the unimaginable.....mmmmm....

as i hit that big 3-0....and landing this job...i realize that i hv been lucky to be able to accomplish my targets n dreams in life though not all of it.....except for 2 more wishes...i have nothing to demand from myselft....everything else that comes along the way...i shall consider it as a bonus or a lesson to be learnt....that life works in a very miraculous way....

i'm in the midst of proving that contendness & gratefulness will take u far.....everything happens for a reason....and you can get wat you want...it is all a matter of timing...sooner or later...

ON LIFE...

when wuz the last time you saw somethg for the 1st time?

when did you last appreciate life?

when did you last had your dreams come true?

when was the last time your prayers were answered?

as we live life from day to day...

have we ever bothered to observe our surroundings

to see how vulnerable and fragile it can be

to see how courages and strong we are for choosing to live...

not giving up or lose hope...but to fight!!!



i now know that we are not born as fighters...

but we will fight when we have to...

when there's a cause for us to do so...

life...bliss...blessed..gratefulness...life....

MURDER BY FAMILY...

i watched Oprah last nite and d topic was about a book titled "Murder by Family"... google it to find out more...or just surf into Oprah's website to read further...

thing is...is it justifiable for you to murder your family becoz u just cannot live up to their expectations anymore?...yes, parents can be demanding, too demanding at times...but it does not mean that you can kill them rite?...wat kind of excuse is that?

but upon hearing the son's side of the story...i think that though we may not have murder in mind and i certainly do not condone his actions BUT, many of us could relate to his story...according to the son named Bart..."he could give explanations on why he felt inadequate or that his family didn't love him, but that there is a difference between reasons and excuses and he couldn't make excuses for what he did. Bart explained that his parents loved an idealized version of him and didn't love the real him, and for that he loved and hated them at the same time. Bart went on to say that the feelings became heavy in high school and eventually he tired of feeling like a failure and he wanted his life to be different. Bart blamed his parents for his existence and for that he wanted revenge..."

What do you think??? dont we as our parents' daughter/son sometimes feel that we juz wanna be free from our family's expectations & dreams? dat we juz wanna be us without having to behave differently infront of our parents?...

AS SHE SLEEPS NEXT TO ME...

as she sleeps next to me

like so many nights before this

somehow or rather

i took the time to study her face

i realized that night

that she had aged and seemed frail

whilst asleep she frown

i wonder what dreams she dreamt

she had sacrified alot for me

from my birth to my adulthood

she has never failed to support me

i wonder whether i have done enough?

does she knows how much i appreciate her?

how much i love her?

how much i need her?

that i cant bear the thoughts of losing her...

so as i lay there next to her

i saw traces of her life going by

i know that time shall pass by

and i will make the most out of it...