You think I am blessed and that my life is a fairytale.... You clearly do not know me nor my stories. Don't envy me but do know that i was made for you...

I'm reproducing some of my tweets on you. Don't ask me why... this is a journey that may take some time before it materializes, it may not happen anyway but i want to take it one day at a time. to figure out whether it's worthy or a waste of my emotions and being. i tried reading you but i guess you meant it when you said you want to put me under your thumb and i wonder why i allow myself to be manipulated by you. this is more of me being stupid, being a hopeless romantic thinking that i'd rather be miserable with you than without you.... mmmm.... only time will tell....

When you dream of fairy tales, be prepared to dragged into reality. It'll hurt you so bad that you'd suffocate & die a slow, painful death

At night before I close my eyes, I'll empty my heart. Only for it to be filled with your images, me in your arms & you not letting me go mmm

You want the moon yet I could only afford the stars... ;)

Funny how the pain and the pleasure are the same... In this crazy world, knowing the competitors, do I even stand a chance?

It feels too good and I want it too bad... The more it is real, the more it is right... I never dreamt of this, never ever before...

Life is a dangerous game that many who played, have been defeated. Survival is a challenge that not many are privilleged to experience...

It goes like this...


My dearest,

There is a rose in my heart for you and it is only for you. For i have never given a rose away before nor have i ever received it.

There is a rose for you, my beloved. Yet i shall not put it in your hands...

The rose is here deep in my heart, where touches my soul. it is only for you and you have to come and get it... earn it and it shall be yours.

for i may be a sentimental, gullible and foolish romantic but your need to earn the rose and it shall be yours and i shall be yours forever and ever...

Yours truly...

If I got on my knees and I pleaded with you,
Not to go but to stay in my arms,
Would you walk out the door,
Like you did once before?
This time,
Be different,
Please stay,
don't go.

If I call out your name like a prayer,
Would you leave me alone with my tears?
Knowing I need you so,
Would you still turn and go?
This time,
Be different,
Please stay
don't go
Please stay

I loved you before I even knew your name,
And I wanted to give you my heart,
But then you came back after leaving me one time,
I knew that the heartache would start

If I called out your name like a song,
That was written for you,
You alone
Would you still hurt my pride?
Oh hey, how I cried
This time,
Be different,
Please stay
Please stay, don't go
Please stay, don't go
Please stay.

Duffy - Westlife - Cryin Shames -

Menghitung Hari

Sayang ku menghitung hari
Dengan debaran di hati
Saat-saat berjauhan teramat menyiksakan

Sayang sejak engkau pergi
Waktu seakan terhenti
Dalam rindu kubisikan lagi namamu

Belum pernah ku alami keresahan yang begini
Siang malam ku bagaikan tiada berbeza
Dalam hatiku bertanya apa kau jua gelisah
Menghitung hari untuk segera kembali

Sayang dalam perpisahan
Terlalu banyak godaan
Demi kejujuran ini
Tidak kuhiraukan

Sayang bila kesunyian
Ku diburu kebimbangan
Apakah aku berdosa merasa curiga

Salamiah Hassan

i am amazed with the way i look at things and my surroundings of late... it's like having a different set of eyes and seeing things for the first time... it seems more appealing now and more positive...

it feels like i'm discovering new things for the first time in my life and i care less of the root of these discoveries... has my life changed? i do not think so... i've been asked whether i'm high on drugs or whether i am in love... and the answer to both questions is NO...

may be i have finally accept things the way they are and realise that in certain situations... if you can't beat them, join them. but this does not mean that i have given up, i just couldn't care anymore...

because of this, my chest feels lighter, my shoulders are burdenless, my head feels lighter and i feel great... i have never felt this way before and it feels so bloody liberating :)

by the way, london is not a boring place, for london has everything that life has to offer... be there with me and you will re-discover London and shall realise why i am in love with London. others have jumped the ship, it's your turn next ;)

i've been very.... ok let's put it... extremely happy for the past couple of weeks... i have yet to identify the source/root of my happiness... i am for sure not in love... i would definately know if i am... but i am all smirky, smilling, laughing, floating around, positive all the time... that people around me are asking and talking about it.. yet i do not know how to answer all their questions...

then again i feel light and sooo liberated, so at ease and peaceful deep inside me :) i know that i am happy... whether it is because of your presence in my life, i seriously think that it is irrelevant, for we are not together... we just know each other. nothing more...

mmm... i don't know what to make of it... for i'm all happy and positive without a reason... but seriously, do i need a reason or a love life in order to be happy? then again, if there's no reason... am i losing my sanity here?

after much thoughts and serious thinking, i have decided to be extraordinary... i want to be superb and not normal or worst, mediocre... i have learnt to forgive myself and love myself... for i have come to terms that i am a complete person on my own and that the people around me should be happy with me as well.. i have learnt to accept things as they are and will no longer have expectations from others...

for i am my only servant and no one else's... i will love, will be broken hearted, will succeed and fail in the future, but i will always accept the victories and obstacles humbly... this, i promise myself.

Finally... there is a rose in my heart for you, earn it and you shall have it... other than that, happiness is a choice... and i choose to be happy... with or without your presence...

i find myself drawn to you yet, i wonder whether you feel the same way too
life is short, they say... yet it is a journey full of discoveries
and you are a discovery...

i look forward for tomorrow to come
for each day i am smittened by you especially
the way you twists your words
how it tickles my soul

i can feel forever and it scares me at times...
i find me contradicting myself
trying hard to hold on to my principles and values
yet, i do not want to let go nor lose you

strange, isn't it
how i am drawn to the impossible
how i am metling bit by bit
how i try to pull myself away, only to fail

how i look forward to tomorrow and everyday...

Lirik Lagu Febrian – Cinta Diam – Diam

Pertama bertemu ku suka padamu

Begitu juga denganmu

Sayangnya cinta kita tak mungkin bersatu

Namun pernah berjanji sehidup semati

Engkau punya dia

Sementara aku sendiri

Tak mungkin orang ‘kan tahu

Kita mencinta

Inikah namanya cinta diam-diam

Hanya Tuhan engkau dan aku yang tau

Biarkanlah ragamu ini jadi miliknya

Namun jiwa dan cintamu pasti untukku

Sampai saat ini kau selalu di hati

Karena ku tak mungkin mengganti

Ku tahu hatimu selalu untukku

Karena cinta kita ini cinta sejati

 

Inikah namanya cinta diam-diam

i was reading The Star Newspaper the other weekend, when i came across an article about bromance... i think it's all about brotherly love and the article made reference to the close friendship between matt damon and ben affleck, amongst other.

the article also made reference to hollywood actor, christopher lee and his bromance with another hollywood actor and how lee was devastated when the actor died...

where am i  going with these ramblings???? you see, christopher lee was interviewed few months after his friend's death and he said these...

"at some point of your lives, everyone of you will notice that you have in your life one person, one friend whom you love and care for very much... that person is so close to you that you are able to share things only with him/her... and when that person is gone, there will be nothing like that in your life ever again.."

i have to agree with lee on this, sometimes it is that one person that you will tell everything and your life will not be complete without at least the tiniest presence of that person in your life... he/she need not be your life partner... he/she is a friend that understands you and accepts you unconditionally... that one person that only you would know who he/she is....

great... just after reading my post, u sent me a text to call u... and i stupidly did... i don't know why i allow myself to be under your spell... why do i allow myself to get lost in your gravity... it's like you have this pulling factor that makes it so easy for me to go back to you...

how is it possible for one to allow itself to be treated this way? I'm kept without chain and touched without contact...how is this even possible? and it doesn't take take much effort for you to lure me back into your arms... mmm this is crazy... because at the end of the day, iWILL be the one hurting. I will be the one to mend my broken heart and soul... while you get the best of both worlds...

I can't stop myself from hurting

Because hurting means I'm alive

I can't make myself forget

cause forgetting means losing you

oh dear... I'm such a masochist kan :)

I can still remember the taste of your lips

Everytime it touched me, it touched my soul

And the playfulness of you tongue

Made me melt in your arms

I can still remember your touch

The cleverness of your long fingers

How its pleasures set me on blazing fire

The satisfactions are beyond words

I can still remember your smell

It still lingers in my heart and mind

Everytime i think of it, i get high

So high that it ends in pleasure

I can still remember your physique

How we used to sync in one rhythm

I want to touch you, taste you, feel you, smell you

Longing for you is hurting me so bad...

26.05.2011

Today i feel that sense of loneliness

Longing for your presence and touch

Yet you are so far away

and i yearn for you to be by my side

I once told you... forever together
That whatever happens, wherever I'll be

I'm yours and no one else's

Yet.. you could never say the same to me

The sweet memories of how it all started

Made me smile yet tears are falling

For love may lasts forever

Yet it does not bring us together

We can only have all or nothing at all

I refuse to settle for anything less

Yet you have your limitations and expectations

and i have to endure it... unwillingly

Forever together... sounds very simple

We can be together but not forever

We can have forever but not be together

It hurts... It hurts so bad...

26.05.2011

so i have now come to my 3rd year of service. It has been wonderful yet challenging so far and i am loving every minute of it :)

looking back i remember of an essay which i wrote few years back during my final year where the class was asked to write about our dreams, hopes and wishes of having a career in law. I still keep the paper and as i finished reading it for the hundredth time, i can't help but to pat my back and feel proud of myself. I am exactly where i want to be, just as i have predicted and dreamt of 8 years ago.

i predicted myself to read law, complete my chambering and practice law for a few years. i predicted that i will not pratice law for long and that i would jump into the corporate world and climb the corporate ladder. at the end, i predicted that i would be serving my beloved country in the current position of which i am now.

I never ceased to amaze myself of having dreams and how it is just a mattter of time before it comes true... yes, i have to work harder... yes, i have to put in a hell-lot of extra hours and sacrifice my weekends... but it is all worth it, so far... for i am where i want to be...

For this, i thank God, for being generous, forgiving and loving towards me... for always keeping an eye on me... for not letting me to stray away too long...Thank you ALLAH, the Merciful and knows the best always and always...

MY ATTEMPT WRITING IN BAHASA MALAYSIA

Orang kita kedekut tapi tak kaya mana pun

orang kita bakhil dan berkira tapi papa juga

dah diberi tongkat tak tahu berterima kasih

dah diberi subsidi tak tahu nak bersyukur

dah diberi biasiswa tak tahu berjimat

dah diberi kiblat masih tak tahu arah tuju

orang kita tahu meminta-minta, muka tak malu

bila tak diberi kaki dihentak-hentak

bila diberi lagi diminta, tak pernah memberi

orang kita lagi buruk dari binatang

dapat biasiswa tak reti nak bayar balik

dapat ijazah tak reti nak balik

pandai belajar tapi hati kosong

melayu tak melayu, sama saja

orang kita tak tahu adab atau adat

emak bapa datuk nenek sama saja

inilah akibatnya... biar mati anak jangan mati adat

semua yang diberi/dibuat tidak pernah cukup/puas

My dearest Princess,

Welcome to the world of love, happiness and many more that life has to offer to you and thank you for being our bundle of joy. Knowing both you parents, I can safely say that the years ahead of you will be filled with unforgettable memories that you will share together, always and always.

Princess,

Let me tell you something about your mom. I’ve known her for a very long time, since the day we started schooling together and though we got separated and reconnected again, I truly value and appreciate your mother’s presence in my life. Sooner or later you will understand the value of friendships and that the best ways to appreciate your friends is by accepting them wholly and treat them fairly. I pray that you will have good friends and stay friends with them just the way your mother and I had.

There will be times that you will disagree with your mother, you may think that she does not love nor understand you and when that time comes, remember that your mother loves you unconditionally and whole-heartedly. She will sacrifice her life for you so that you can have and be the best and if you are not, she would still love you, just the way you are. I have never seen her glowed, smiled and be so happy the way she glowed and smiled whilst carrying you for more than 8 months. Yes, she will be strict, she will spoil you rotten, she will reprimand you for your wrongs and give you advices but she will also be a good teacher, together with your father, to teach you and guide you for the rest of your life.  Mothers will be mothers and you will understand it when it’s your turn therefore, be gentle with your words and actions, be more considerate and love her unconditionally because your mother is a very special woman and she’s precious, just like you princess.

Princess,

Your father is a man with few words. I’m still trying to figure him outJ. But I can assure you that he will love you, protect you, provide for you and adore you extremely. Like your mother, he will love you unconditionally and whole-heartedly, he will work hard to provide the very best for you and he will also spoil you rotten. It took him awhile to find your mother, both of them travelled half the world before they met each other and I pray that you will also find the same love and affection that they have for each other when you begin your journey to find someone to grow old with. However, I do wish luck to any guy who has the intention to hurt you or to break your heart as it will not be easy to escape your protective fatherJ.

Princess,

I pray that you will grow to be a beautiful lady with a generous, warmth and loving heart. Be respectful not only to your parents but also to others. Love your parents and care for them equally although you may love one more than the other, try to make it less obvious! Make them proud of you in your own special ways as your parents will always support you and accept you the way you are.

In the future, you may have more siblings and when that happens, you may feel less loved as both your parents will be busy with your other siblings and give less attention to you. Never ever think that way. You are the first, the most awaited bundle of joy and as such you will be loved most, belief me when I say so. Life is such a wonderful journey full of happiness, sadness, tears, laughter and many more feelings which you will learn in the future. You will understand the meaning of love, hatred, get heart broken, find the love of your life, find out who your true friends are and when this happens I pray that you have the courage to make the best decisions of what’s good and what’s bad for you, to accept failures as challenges to be overcame and be responsible to accept the consequences of your actions.

Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to conquer fear… Good luck, my dear Princess, may your future endeavours be filled with the best memories that life has to offer you. Whenever you are in doubt, seek guidance from the Al-Mighty, he is always there to hear your prayers, your wishes and your ramble and if you try hard enough, your prayers will be heard and your wishes will come true!

P/s: if things don’t work-out the way you planned… DIAMONDS are always a girl’s best-friend AND so are CHOCOLATES J!!!

MAK HANI

19 January 2011

the birds are chirping and woke me up from a deep sleep that was precious to me

each day that goes by is a blessing in disguise

for i am alive and very much loved by my surroundings

that my presence matters even if it is just for a moment

the sky is cloudy and glommy yet it has not rained for hours

i love to feel raindrops on my skin, my face, my body

each drop seems sensual, serene yet euphoric to me

if only that same feeling lasts a life time

i love to hear you saying that you love me

it makes me smile, it sounds funny yet it lightens my soul

i think that in so many ways you make it sound comical and meaningful

yet it doesn't feel right... something is amiss

the sun will shine again tomorrow and brighter this time

it would be a good day to lay back and hold hands

to just cuddling each other with ice cream cones in our hands

yet it is not the time to do so... and i shall wait for it to happen...

life is strangely a wonderful experience... you need to savour it

breath it and inhale it with all your might and soul

then only would you have lived

things didn't happen the way that i planned...we planned.... and i feel more hurt now than before. I miss you very much.

as i was talking about this earlier to friends....i realise that i am very much loved and that i should be thankful for that...but being loved is not enough for me anymore....i need to be in love... do you get me on this???

i can fall for you so easily

yes, you... you there

your voice puts a smile on me

your presence lightens my world

yet before i could fall for you

you tore my soul apart

it hurts so bad

that i wished you never walked into my life

i could love you without much persuasion

yes, you... i'm talking about you

when our eyes met, my heart skipped a beat

when you smile, my heart melts away

yet you are so out of my league

so not within my grasp

so near yet so far away

so impossible i must say

~ 04102010 ~

i have had enough

of your excuses and lies

of the hypocrisies that surround you

i have had enough

i will not remove you from my life

from my thoughts, my heart and soul

not because i still yearn for you

not because i want you back

i will let nature takes its course

to let you go slowly and painfully

to let you fade with all the memories

i will suffer but i will get better

~ 04102010 ~