ON...ASS - U - ME

i think i am getting to be a little tooooo sensitive nowadays. It's like nothing seems right and everything seems wrong for no apparent reason or for the minutest reasons of all...

i am annoyed when people tend to assume that i will go along with whatever they want me to do...because i have been such a sweetie and sort of miss-goody-two-shoes...and every time when people compliment me by saying that i am a good daughter or a good friend, i will always remind them that i am no saint. i have flaws that they have yet to see...toooo many flaws...

most of the time, i tend to be hard on myself for being such a pleaser as it always ends up with me being in trouble. sometimes people think i am crazy for pushing certain people away from my life when all the while i would have died for them despite whatever that they have done to me. sometimes people say i am crazy for letting certain people play with my heart, mind or soul.

then again that's the problem with me. i can just take all the shits, tantrums or whatever that you threw at me for sooo much but one day i will tell myslef...it's not worth-it. automatically a wall will erect to separate me from that person...nothing can be done for things to be back to normal...because i am a vindictive person...i do not forgive nor i forget...and that is my flaw, the weekness in me...the stubbornness that existed since birth...

and when this happens, people will quetion why...why dont i forgive...why must i be soooo blooody sensitive over nothing.. why am i sooo stubborn...i am only human and this is who i am...plus my ego size is as huge as everest.

so here i am with tears in my eyes thinking...what on earth am i rambling about?

i am offended that you refuse to acknowledge your mistakes and use others to push me to make the first move. i am offended that you are ignoring me when all the while you were the one who came after me, wanting more that what i could give.

i am angry that after i let you push me around for your advantage only for you to deny my existence in your life and now you expect me to jump just because you said so!!!!

who in the world are you for thinking that you have the right to treat me like you do? i dont deserve this!!!! i don't deserve the resentment from your family or your friends!!!

i refused to budge-in anymore, i refuse to let you decide of how things are suppose to be between us. i resent you for my being like this.

i have resorted to ignore whatever i have felt or am still feeling for you at this moment. this is me being stubborn and telling myself that if things are to change for the better, it has to come from you...never from me. because that great wall of china in me, separating you away, needs something extreme and out of the league, from you to bring it down.

in my heart of hearts, i have let you go...goodbye for now...thank you for being fantastic in making me hard person...

ON... ME BEING A PARTY POOPER...

My birthday is coming soon....some friends of mine are eager to throw me a party but somehow or rather i am not in the mood to celebrate...i told them this yet they refused to accept no as an answer...

i don't think my reason not to celebrate is because of my other-half...i  am tired to even think of this anymore...then again maybe i am just in denial...maybe i am just using my other-half as a shield, a protection....but from what?

maybe i am just afraid to fully live my life...afraid that if i were to do that i would just forget the past totally....is that it????

usually it's not hard for me to read one's life just by staring into their eyes...i may not know everything but something is better than nothing....

but when i come to me...i'll go around the bush, avoiding questions or situations which i am not bothered /afraid to face/handle... this is making me sound like a coward...maybe i am a coward.

what is the purpose of this entry anyway...i totally do not have a clue...

in case you are wondering why i seem cold nowadays, it is because you have hurt me. i would have jumped off the cliff for you, i would do anything for you because i care and love you. whenever i am with you, no matter how you define our relatonship to be...at all material times...i would have done almost anything for you...

but situation has changed and i am dumb-founded on its reasonings but i have managed to build this great wall of china in my heart of hearts, to shut you out of my mind and heart. what a waste huh... for i am hurt that you can't even differentiate between what's real and phony, what's important and petty, resulting me being pushed aside and left alone...

i am deeply and utterly hurt yet you know nothing about it even though we are into one another. i was prepared to let you  come into my heart yet just as you were at the verge of the entry point, you squashed my heart. 

i should have not let my guard down for you, for now i am deeply hurt...i have to put on a mask whenever your name is mentioned or when we come across each other...because the very sight of you makes me hurt more...

so yes...2010 has yet to be wonderful to me and because of this i am not in the mood to celebrate...i wish i could just dwell into this sorrowness in me and not to ever have to face  any of it again, forever and ever and ever...

ON... I DON'T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE...

I don't wanna talk, About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me, Now it's history
I've played all my cards, And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say, No more ace to play

The winner takes it all, The loser standing small
Beside the victory, That's her destiny

I was in your arms, Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense, Building me a fence
Building me a home, Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool, Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice, Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here, Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all, The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain, Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss, Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same, When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside, You must know I miss you
But what can I say, Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide, The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show, Always staying low
The game is on again, A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small, The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk, If it makes you feel sad
And I understand, You've come to shake my hand
I apologize, If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense, No self-confidence
But you see...The winner takes it all

"The Winner Takes It All" ~ ABBA

ON... Like We Never Loved At All

You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath the city lights
There walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me
But I'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life
[Chorus:]
How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, I hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well
As far as I can tell
Time is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still I haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is?
To letting go, letting go like you did, like you did
[Chorus]

Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion?
Did you ever miss me
Ever long to kiss me?

Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, you never looked so good 

~ FAITH HILL ~ 

ON... Out of sight....Out of mind

Sometimes it's easier said than done...
Sometimes words cannot describe what i feel...

Sometimes silence is golden
Sometimes no news is good news

Sometimes i micro-manage or i shut down
Sometimes unspoken words can be torturing
Sometimes it's better to forget everything
Sometimes pride prevails over humility

Sometimes silence is a cowardly act
Sometimes fear is a sign of guilt
Sometimes time is a deciding factor
Sometime appreciation prevails over love

Sometimes being numb is stupid
Sometimes you forget the cause of everything
Sometimes you'd rather lose than fight for the truth
Sometimes time spent is a waste....

Thank you for being fantastic by doing nothing...
Out of sight....out of mind....

ON... Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open doors
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies
That filled our minds
You knew how I loved you
But my spirit was free
Laughin' at the questions
That you once asked of me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open doors
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

~ Diana Ross (M. Masser/G. Goffin) 

ON... I'VE NEVER BEEN TO ME

Hey lady, you, lady, cursin' at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you never do
But I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you
Ooh I've been to Georgia and California, oh, anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacherman and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Please lady, please, lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies
Oh I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
Where I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie
A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight. That's truth, that's love

Sometimes I've been to cryin' for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life and never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that cost too much to be free

Hey lady, I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

~ BY: Charlene ~

ON ... THINKING OF YOU...

Takkan pernah habis air mataku
Bila ku ingat tentang dirimu
Mungkin hanya kau yang tahu
Mengapa sampai saat ini ku masih sendiri

Adakah disana kau rindu padaku
Meski kita kini ada di dunia berbeda
Bila masih mungkin waktu berputar
Kan kutunggu dirimu ...

Reff:
Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah diriku dalam kedamaian
Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi ...

Kerispatih - Mengenangmu

ONCE...

Part of me
Has Died
And won't return
And part of me
Wants to hide
The part that's burned

Once, once
Knew how to talk to you
Once, once
But not anymore

Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home

Part of me
Has vied
To watch it burn
And the heart of me
Has tried
But look what it's become

Once, once
I knew how to look for you
Once, once
But that was before
Once, once
I would have laid down to died for you
Once, once
But not anymore.

Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home
Hear the sirens call me home

~ONCE...THE MOVIE~

If You Want Me ....

Are you really here or am I dreaming

I can’t tell dreams from truth
For it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
You know I really try
To be a better one to satisfy you for you’re everything to me
And I do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

~ONCE ...THE MOVIE~

ON....SOULMATES....

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. 

Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. 

Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. 

But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

~Bride Wars~