ON...ASS - U - ME

i think i am getting to be a little tooooo sensitive nowadays. It's like nothing seems right and everything seems wrong for no apparent reason or for the minutest reasons of all...

i am annoyed when people tend to assume that i will go along with whatever they want me to do...because i have been such a sweetie and sort of miss-goody-two-shoes...and every time when people compliment me by saying that i am a good daughter or a good friend, i will always remind them that i am no saint. i have flaws that they have yet to see...toooo many flaws...

most of the time, i tend to be hard on myself for being such a pleaser as it always ends up with me being in trouble. sometimes people think i am crazy for pushing certain people away from my life when all the while i would have died for them despite whatever that they have done to me. sometimes people say i am crazy for letting certain people play with my heart, mind or soul.

then again that's the problem with me. i can just take all the shits, tantrums or whatever that you threw at me for sooo much but one day i will tell myslef...it's not worth-it. automatically a wall will erect to separate me from that person...nothing can be done for things to be back to normal...because i am a vindictive person...i do not forgive nor i forget...and that is my flaw, the weekness in me...the stubbornness that existed since birth...

and when this happens, people will quetion why...why dont i forgive...why must i be soooo blooody sensitive over nothing.. why am i sooo stubborn...i am only human and this is who i am...plus my ego size is as huge as everest.

so here i am with tears in my eyes thinking...what on earth am i rambling about?

i am offended that you refuse to acknowledge your mistakes and use others to push me to make the first move. i am offended that you are ignoring me when all the while you were the one who came after me, wanting more that what i could give.

i am angry that after i let you push me around for your advantage only for you to deny my existence in your life and now you expect me to jump just because you said so!!!!

who in the world are you for thinking that you have the right to treat me like you do? i dont deserve this!!!! i don't deserve the resentment from your family or your friends!!!

i refused to budge-in anymore, i refuse to let you decide of how things are suppose to be between us. i resent you for my being like this.

i have resorted to ignore whatever i have felt or am still feeling for you at this moment. this is me being stubborn and telling myself that if things are to change for the better, it has to come from you...never from me. because that great wall of china in me, separating you away, needs something extreme and out of the league, from you to bring it down.

in my heart of hearts, i have let you go...goodbye for now...thank you for being fantastic in making me hard person...