My birthday is coming soon....some friends of mine are eager to throw me a party but somehow or rather i am not in the mood to celebrate...i told them this yet they refused to accept no as an answer...
i don't think my reason not to celebrate is because of my other-half...i am tired to even think of this anymore...then again maybe i am just in denial...maybe i am just using my other-half as a shield, a protection....but from what?
maybe i am just afraid to fully live my life...afraid that if i were to do that i would just forget the past totally....is that it????
usually it's not hard for me to read one's life just by staring into their eyes...i may not know everything but something is better than nothing....
but when i come to me...i'll go around the bush, avoiding questions or situations which i am not bothered /afraid to face/handle... this is making me sound like a coward...maybe i am a coward.
what is the purpose of this entry anyway...i totally do not have a clue...
in case you are wondering why i seem cold nowadays, it is because you have hurt me. i would have jumped off the cliff for you, i would do anything for you because i care and love you. whenever i am with you, no matter how you define our relatonship to be...at all material times...i would have done almost anything for you...
but situation has changed and i am dumb-founded on its reasonings but i have managed to build this great wall of china in my heart of hearts, to shut you out of my mind and heart. what a waste huh... for i am hurt that you can't even differentiate between what's real and phony, what's important and petty, resulting me being pushed aside and left alone...
i am deeply and utterly hurt yet you know nothing about it even though we are into one another. i was prepared to let you come into my heart yet just as you were at the verge of the entry point, you squashed my heart.
i should have not let my guard down for you, for now i am deeply hurt...i have to put on a mask whenever your name is mentioned or when we come across each other...because the very sight of you makes me hurt more...
so yes...2010 has yet to be wonderful to me and because of this i am not in the mood to celebrate...i wish i could just dwell into this sorrowness in me and not to ever have to face any of it again, forever and ever and ever...
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