THE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS IN MY LIFE...PART 2

I am turning 30 next year...age is just a figure that increases every year yet it does not mean that you are any wiser nor brilliant...it is what you have become and how to bring yourself about that really shows how you have aged...age is not the issue for me here, or at any times.

As i reflected back the years that passed i realize that this is the very first time that i am alone, all by myself and away from the comfort zone that i have grown into. i have never been alone in my entire life until now...even when i was conceived i have started to learn to share...with my soulmate...Yes, my soulmate and i shared the same womb, uterus or watever u wanna call it. We shared the same birth date with 4 minutes apart, we shared the same crib, clothes, shoes, we even shared the same family for 18 years 1 month and 4 days.

My soulmate and i shared the same room for 16 yrs of our lives yet when we had our own rooms, we cling to each other every nite never want to be separated in our dreams. We went to the same school, shared the same friends though the bond is different, we were never separated for that 18 years of our lives together and i have never been alone.

Even though my soulmate left me, still i was never alone, as i entered uni to read law, i had my good friend with me and i made more friends and i have never been alone. I was fortunate that when i entered uni my friend Mazlina was there as well. Maz and i were in the same school for 11 years and we were classmates for the last 5 years and though she was not my best friend then, she was my best friend in college and we continued to be classmates and housemates for the next 3 years whilst in college. we were seldom apart as we travel to class together, eat more than 4 meals a day together, shop together, hangout together and whatever else together.

but the problem with me, maz and friends like farina, na and eon wuz that despite spending our lives together, being in the same course and class, hanging out together - shopping, watching movies and eating more than 4 meals together, sharing our life stories all the time whilst having double scoops of Baskin Robbins facing Bangsar Hill, our endless nights at A&W PJ while doing our revisions, sharing exam jitters byt listens to our songs in the car, we spoke endlessly but we never seem to communicate....we drifted apart and i think all of us are to be blamed for it...we moved on, barely speaking to each other but i do wish na, maz and farina all the happiness, good health and blessed future but more than this i wish them love...things happened and it made me think that i am a bad friend but sumhow it doesnt happen to me alone, all the 5 of us - maz, farina, na, eon and i...we all ended as individuals rather than as members of an elite group envied by all at the law school during our uni days (supposedly not only by the juniors but also by the seniors)...

still i was never alone, i have my family and friends with me 24/7...when i started chambering period i had my best friend, eon, with me...i dont know why but we sumhow made a pact to only choose a firm that would have both of us as chambies and it took us several interviews before we were finally accepted to chamber at the firm...luck was at our side that another former college mate was there as well and later we became good friends...intan and i are still good friends as a matter of fact! But the problem with good friends - you never wanna hurt them that you end up bottling everythg, you lie for them, you protect them, you even jeopardise your career yet that was not enough to protect the friendship....i guess that is how eon and i drifted away.....we still communicate with each other once in a while but nothing was ever the same and i am willing to accept the blame though not the fault, still i am never alone.

i was retained that the same firm, despite me going away for a few months to venture into sumthg else...i've made few good friends - min, V, reza to name a few...and until now we remain good friends despite whatever situation we may be in at this very moment. V n I resigned from the firm to join another company together, where she became my boss and i became her assistant....we has fun giving birth to the department and running it together for the next 3 years before i decided to come to Coventry...Yes, V n I have gone above and beyond and friends and as my superior...we have been stressed, beyond stress and even shouted at each other but that only made our bond stronger...maybe i have finally realise what friendship is all about that i am willing to work things out instead of letting go... and i do miss our yearly adventures together and hope to be doing it when i go back home though she you'd be married by then... Yes, i am sad for having to let V go but i am truly happy for her!!! estatic would be d rite word?

i am never alone...i have great friends in my life and even found a few soulmates whom have grown up together with me as we have been in the same neighbourhood since our infant days till now...people like adli, sani, sorsi, ayang, intan to name a few...we are not only bonded by time and history but also by family...these are the people whose houses i can bunk in at any time of the day without feeling unwanted nor ashamed of...their family are mine and mine are theirs...

but adli is the bestest friend forever...and there's also chen, nadia and feeda whom though i've only known for a short time but it seemed that they have been there forever...by my side more now than ever before and though i am far away from them... i may be alone now...but i am never lonely...thanks to you for making that possible...

THE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS IN MY LIFE...PART 1

I think that most of us would agree that family comes first no matter what is happening in our lives as individuals....i, for one, tells my family almost everythg that is happening in my life.. except for a few things... Things that i am entrusted to keep to myself or things which i think wont hurt them if they dont know....those are the things that you tell your friends...your best friends...your soulmate...

when i was in primary school, i did have lotsa friends...but nothing major really happens to you at that age that i didnt really have any specific bestfriend...why do i need friends for when i had my soulmate with me...we were in the same class for several years and got separated sumwer in between but when we go home, before we closed our eyes for the day..we will xchange stories of wat happened in school or tuition...yes, primary school was cool coz the subjects were way too easy and i had my soulmate then...subjects got boring towards the end of primary school expecially since i was doing quite well...but i would always envy those seniors passing by tru n fro the main gate of the secondary school...i couldnt wait to grow older just so i get to enter secondary school where things are supposed to be more fun and subjects were more challenging...

when i entered into secondary school, i got separeted from my soulmate, and that was when we made our own set of friends, and with what-sort of identity crisis that we had, we got ourselves our own best friends...though we were in a separate journey in the whole 5 years of secondary school, i kept a close watch on my soulmate. No one dared to cross that line of me protecting her cause i was there everyday for her thruout the whole 5 years....still despite the separate journey we have set, at the end of the day we still have stories to tell before we closed our eyes...

secondary school tot me a lot...dat im no longer as smart as i tot i wld hv been, i lacked interest in maths which was my passion in primary school and science, though i rarely missed school..i despise the idea of homework and never seemed to find time to do them as required :) i made quite a number of friends in secondary school, friends with similar interests, similar background of different heritage....and that friendship does not end with my classmates or batch mates...it got extended to my teachers too...YES, despite having left school for more than 10 years, i am proud to say that i still maintain contact with a few of my teachers!

from form 1 till form 3 i had this 3 friends whom out of weird circumstance became my bestfriends and finally formed our own secret group called KGB/FBI...yes they were and still are my bestfriends despite where ever we might be now....the three of them were totally different from me in d sense that they were alwiz the top 10 students in d class while i'd be in the bottom 5! They studied hard while i played hard...but they are so ever willing to let me copy their homework early in the morning so dat i dont get called again n again by the teacher for failing to submit my homework! they were there to hear out my problems...my fear, sorrow and my joy...they were there to support me still when my soulmate were taken away from me...they understood me and still do...and as im writing this i wondered whtr i have been there for them as much...

bcoz they were the brighter students compared to me, in form 4 & 5, we got separated as they excelled in PMR while i did OK....but that didnt bend the bond we had...for they were still there for me...more instead of less...they tot me what i didnt understand nor valued...they became my advisors..financially & academically...it was amazing when they took the efforts to learn arts subjects for me whilst they were in science classes! They'd stay back after school to teach me maths & science for the feared that i would flunk my SPM if i dont pass tru those subjects...i did ok lah in SPM and again they were the scorers. they were there for me and even now despite leading separate lives as a banker, a govt officer, an engineer & a lawyer....

we got separated after secondary school....each of us were chasing our dreams...3-4 years passed by yet it only made us stronger...we may not speak to each other every day compared to our lives in school but they have given me the best times in my life...them and my soulmate... we still keep in touch...despite the distance, we are making plans to spending some time together in december! I am really looking forward to gather the members of KGB/FBI for our reunion...so many things have happened and more to look foward to...together...and i still thank God for blessing my life with good friends like Yee Lee, Lavaniya & Kogi...school was not easy for me but you guys made it simpler and fun...

OFF TIMING PERIOD FOR ME...

I'm tired....it's been very very hot for the last couple of days, i've been trying to finish off packing my stuffs which are to be collected tomorrow, i did my laundry yesterday, i cook, clean and i am studying at the same time!!!! yes ..i know dat this is part of a student's life...but i still wanna whine about it ok!

I am not a superwoman!!! coz it's very hot and humid...i cant really sleep at night and when i wakeup, im all burnt coz d sun shines at my face...dont tell me to pull the curtains together coz i need air ventilation....im tired...

2moro after the movers collected my stuffs i will need to finish off my dissertation...i do know wat to write and how to write it...but im tired and deadline is around d corner...im tired...

this is the time when i really wish dat im back home...were life may not b perfect but it's imperfectly perfect....fully air-conditioned bedrooms, maid to so what i tell her to do, laundry done by itself, delicious home prepared food by my wonderful mom, cars to drive me around, family and friends to push me further so dat i dont quit easily...

i'm tired...forget about fall or spring....winter please come early...i miss you and i need you desperately...yes..this is one of those off timing period for me...

TO PROGRESS OR TO SUSTAIN???

When we talk about sustainable development, have we ever asked ourselves where did the concept come from? The idea was developed by the then Norwegian PM in 1983, see this site for further info - http://www.sustainability-ed.org/pages/what1-4brundt.htm

the thing is .... why is such a concept being introduced at a stage where most developed countries have sort-of fully utilised our natural resources, and now sumhow expect the developing nation to abide to its expectation to preserve mother nature? Yes, the concept of sustainability was introduced so that whilst we are eager to develop and progress, we need to sustain our resources for future usage and enjoyment.

Answer me...would such a concept be a success when all we think of is to generate wealth in any ways that is possible? When Henry Ford built his car, was he concern with the fact that his car will be further developed and causing the petrol price to go crazy and polluting the world with carbons? did the Wright brothers thought the same as well when they built the planes? Was the chinese thinking the same when they created papers and chopsticks which now requires us to cut trees to make more and more papers! But what are we without all these development? Still living in caves and hunting animals to feed our family?

one of my professors asked this question in classs...what loss will there ever be should the future generation can no longer see the living of animals like tigers, orang-utans or even the rhinos...which we sumhow campaign very much to ensure that it doesnt vanish in the air like T-Rex. i told him that no one has ever seen the existence of dinosours which our scientis claimed to have lived and vanished million years ago, so what difference does it make? despite learning and going tru the history of dinosours at the natural history museum in london, i am still not convinced of its existence nor the information that are published!

my reason is simple - no one human being have ever experienced the existence of dinosours and what we know now are based on research after research being conducted. without any first hand experience, information nor witnesses available, how can i then believe on the existence of dinosours? i believe in facts and evidence...but evidence on discovery of dinosour bones which supposedly to be of 300million years old or 30 million years old - is not concrete enough to make me believe dinosours existed. O ya...i dont believe on Darwin theory as well...get real k...i am not in any ways related to orang-utan or which ever animal he wld hv cited in his research and developed to be humans.

we are fed with information that if we do not take necessary action to stop o prevent global warming, the world will go into a chaotic twirl. Yet, to me personally, people during ice-age period lived in its utmost simplicity without any technologies/development that we are enjoying currently, the dinosours could hv been the mightiest animal during its time, still they vanished!

So whilst the developing nations are tell the developed nation to not to tell us how we should develop ourselves while you were the ones whom over-utilised our natural resources, things will happen if it's meant to happen. we can try to reduce usage of CFC, plastics, reduce pollutions. get into recycling, stop cutting trees or save the animals yet if things wanna get worst, it will happen.

i do want my children and grandchildren to experience live as i had and am experiencing now yet i also accept the fact the it could never happen that way because nothing will ever be the same, when what we all want is - futher development for a brighter future. Development demands sacrifices from us the living creatures .... and we as the consumer bears all the burden and liabilities. Prices of goods will keep-on increasing, oil resources will dry-up, more forests will be chopped-off, the world's temperature will increase...and one day despite everything that we have done, all the efforts we have put in to prevent the world from suffering, everything will just vanish!!!

i am not someone who has loss hope to save our world, i am not trying to scare you with what little info i may know...all i am is just me....like micheal jackson's song - if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change.....

Hey...What's Your Name?

Do you think that your name goes well with you? Do you think dat your parents have given a suitable name for you?

i came upon this article while surfing tru BBC website this morning...yes, i kinda have this habit of reading the news every morning. it is actually the 3rd thing i do every morning after a shower n making my bed...sum habits cant be change i guess... i read like 6 different news-sites every morning just for the kick of it...though it does help wit my general n current knowledge i dont think im any expert compared to others who cant just dish out information at their fingr tips..

so a court decided that naming your kid "talula Does The Hula In Hawaii" is such a no-no name parents can give to their child. Check it out here at BBC's website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7522952.stm

what i want to know is what in the world were the parents thinking of when naming their child such names? Hello...i know dat u dont know wat the future's like but with that kind of name i can so see the future of your kid...So what's in a name????

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY?

By now we all know that Barack Obama is one of the candidates for the upcoming US presidential election against John McCain...and whether u noticed it or not, Obama has been compared to and is said to be d next John F. Kennedy! Now Kennedy became the youngest ever US President at the age of 43 whilst Obama was born in 1961 and is 47 years old this year, both of them read law and whilst Kennedy served in the army Obama did not (i hope i got this right).

While Obama received backings from the Kennedy family and more during the race against Hillary Clinton (actually i was hoping for Hillary to win rather than Obama), i have yet to understand why such comparison is necessary as i am pretty sure that all those backings and fundings will be burden and promises which Obama will have to sort out should he be elected as President.

so my question is...while you do and say almost anything to get yourself elected to what-so-ever position that may be, whom do you serve at the end of the day? do you serve your voters coz without their votes you'd never be elected OR do you serve those who supported you with the necessary fundings and nominations?

In any election...in which ever country you may be ..candidates tend to ever-promised. Be it to reduce taxes, petrol price, create more jobs, give more scholarships and worst of all candidates always promise to create a better future, a change to increase our standard of life....and we the people one way or another would succumb to such promises...

the thing is, we demand for better future and that is promised to us by our leaders and future leaders...yet we play no role for such future. we expect our elected representatives, be it pro-govt or opposition, to work hard above and beyond for us yet what have we done to make our lives and ourselves better?

Kennedy once said...ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.... and here i am asking you what have you done today to improve yourself? to improve your life quality, to help your goverment to help you?

i think most of us comes from governments...of the people by the people to the people....yet we the people are never satisfied nor grateful for what the government has done for us that we demand more and more every time and day....so think...what have you done today?

L.O.V.E. M.O.N.E.Y. D.R.E.A.M.S.

i juz finished watching LOVE STORY... d very old movie starring ryan O'Neal & Ali McGraw... according to them..."love means never having to say that you're sorry"...does it mean that forgiveness is not seeked in any relationship?

friends, lovers, family - these are all important units in your life. the reason for your living... the essence of your being...you either love them or you juz let them be...invisible...does being in love always end with sadness or tragedy? my kind of love story would have to go tru series of development...somethg like the movei GIGI...i think all the girls aged btwn 4-9 years old in the world need to watch this movie as part of their learning tool...yes the same goes to Sound of Music, Mary Poppins, Oliver etc..but sumhow GIGI is different...watch it and u'll understand wat i mean..."thank heaven for little girls, without them wat would little boys doooooooooo".

i think you shd stop feeding your kids with snow white or sleeping beauty coz life aint like dat k... well maybe u can show it for the wat-sort values that the storyline may provide...you know like being good to others etc...but u shdnt feed your young child's mind that there is a happily ever after love story ending....hello even jerry maguire married his PA for all reasons but love....of course he finally realize that she completes him at d end of the story...

what do you think love is? how do you define love becoz in real fact my love story is juz like the movie My Best Friend's Wedding ...mmmm....better make that Random Hearts....i adore Kristin Scott Thomas for the way she acts...watch her other movies like the Horse Whisperer and the English Patient...she's good. love comes in many forms that i find it difficult to define love specifically....love is GERONIMO...watch the movie conspiracy theory and u'll understand where am i going with this.

but actually i would juz be happy to have love like my parents...still strong after more than 40 years being together or like my brother whom would celebrate his 10th anniversary this year...as life moves forward i finally found words to describe my family...we have our ups and downs but we are always there for each other...always...we are bonded via love, respect and gratitude that despite what has happened in the past...it only binds us more solid than ever...yes..we are imperfectly perfect! (wer did dis come from & wer is it going?????)

is love everythg that you ever want in life....above anythg else? they say that money is not everythg...think again...coz wat/who are you without money? but does it mean that you are materialistic person when night and day you devote your time, your life into your work so that you make enough to enjoy it later at the end of the day? just like love people go above and beyond to make their dreams come true...and they need money for that...go to disneyland, holyland, swissland, thailand, wear dior, gucci, LV, levi's....when we are seen to be brand-listic, does it mean that we are materialistic? when all of us dream of true love with happily ever after lives...doesnt it mean we have become fools for thinking that being in love is the ultimate goal in life?

love, money & dreams ...just like the theme song of grey's anatomy series...'nobody knows where they might end up...nobody knows..' that's life...juz like the flavour of your favourite ice cream...its there but u need to taste a few (maybe alot) before you can decide which is your favourite! not everythg in life is like a box of chocolates, forest!!!

SERIOUSLY?!!!

i was doing sum research wen i came across this article...sumhow or rather it sort of an answer that i have been looking for...not only for my dissertation but also because im intrigued...u see i have alwiz wondered what does a person thinks of when he/she shoots another...and to be exact i want to know what goes in your mind when you not only cause the death of one live but many more...like what's happening in Darfur...like what happened in Bosnia, Rwanda, Somalia to name a few...

it is not that i admire the act...i resent it!!! no... i despise it!!! but my curious mind wants to know what goes on in your mind at that time...that instance...read this article from the Social Science Research Council blog-site @ http://www.ssrc.org/blogs/darfur/2007/07/05/what-psychology-can-explain-the-darfur-atrocities/

maybe you can understand it...maybe the same principle applies to answer how a small odd looking man named Adolf Hitler can gain control of millions and rule Germany as it was then...followed by Pol Pot in Cambodia and a few more thereafter...how does one figure evolved and caused such gruesome damage to the world?

How do you define the word GENOCIDE? how is it that the mass killings of the Jews in WW2, the ethnic cleanings in Bosnia, Rwanda & Somalia was classified as genocide yet the same term is not classified nor used in DARFUR by certain international organization? Does ethnic cleansing has the same meaning as genocide? This site give a definition of genocide - http://www.preventgenocide.org/genocide/officialtext.htm

i guess i need to do further research on the word genocide...aaarggghhh more reading...just when i tot i can proceed with writing my dissertation...Seriously, do i need this?!!! aaaarrrrgggghhhhh... this wld only mean that i can never get my paper ready on time!!!

PROCASTI-NATION & WAR

i am pursuing my MA in international relations and at d moment i am in the UK...classes have been over since May and i have done almost everythg but for my dissertation. it's not like i totally ignore it but i kinda hoping for miracle to take place wer suddenly at the end of August my 25000 words disseratation will be ready for submission!


i've been reading....and reading...and reading on everythg with regards to my dissertation and i've come to realize that the more u read...d more u need to read and i am so tired of reading! yeah sure...i do read other stuffs as well...news of the world is a must during sunday...imagine me reading gossips! yes those who really knows me will find it hard to accept that i got myself in reading those tabloids!!! well i cant be reading thing with common-sense all the time, do i?


as i slowly progress into my dissertation readings...i find it hard to rationalize on why is there so many pain & suffering in this world? it's bad enough when countries used to be at war to expand its empire or watsoever....why do civil war exists? yes...it has been more than 60 years since the last world war...but do u realize that since then there have been numerous wars happening around us? what has made us change to become so violence towards each other?

when people are promoting the saying "make love not war" what does it really mean? when people condemn the sufferings of the Jews in WW2, y do at the same time they easily bombed Hiroshima & Nagasaki? Y do u let matters prolonged in Bosnia-Croatia, Somalia, Rwanda before any action were taken? It is all about POLITICS....every one of us as the world actors are realists whether we realize it o not. We are all for ourselves, when we make proposals o resolutions to authorize o amend things, to make situations better...we always weight the odds to our side! In this world there can never be a win-win situation for everyone...it's either i win or no else will get anythg out of it! all o nothing at all.

how sad this is....when everyday we tell each other we need to compromise, we need to give n take....we need to make certain sacrifices to live together in harmony...yet at the end of the day we are only for ourselves...


When you want to end a war, does it grant you authority to end it using violence? this is suppose to be my area of expertise but sumhow i have yet to understand the functions of world and regional organisation in preventing, stopping or authorizing war.....i'm told that at certain times...just war is needed. Just war? WTF is that? who came out with such idealism of just war? was it just war when the U barged into Vietnam/Korea/Iraq/Afghanistan? What wuz the real fatalities of those wars? wuz the lives sacrified worth-it?

where are the nuclear weapons/plants supposedly Iraq wuz hiding from the world and you so want to exposed Saddam's evil intentions yet i have yet to hear nor see existence of such nuclear weapons/plants! Why cant you just admit that you jus want control over Iraq's oil and see whether your people would agree to such cause!

where is this Osama guy whom you claim to be responsible for most of the terrorist attacks in the world? with all the advanced technology you have at your side dont tell me you have yet to find this one tiny guy! you've got his driver, you've got his assistance, you've got people associated around him BUT for him....my o my....does he really exists?

MY VERY FIRST ENTRY

I'm finally blogging....how on earth did i get myself into this...mess? Maybe its becoz i'm taking it as a tool to improve my english...i tend to make lotsa grammar error with my writings despite the fact i know that i have good command of the language...still mistakes do happen n i am only human...to err is humane anyway...

I dont really know wat im gonna write about..not that i want to restrict myself with limited topics nor do i want to be too general...i guess what i'll write depends on my mood...will i write everyday? how frequent shall i write...it depends as well...depends on whats worth writing...

Before i go on let me just briefly introduce myself...i am a lady in d midst of exploring her life and still quite vague of what she want to do with the rest of her life. i think life is a balance of goodness and evil though evil seems to prevail goodness will always show up at the end of day thus always believe that there's alwiz a light at the end of the tunnel.... it's all a matter of timing i guess...time will tell...

i think in any relationship it takes two to tango...whether we are just friends, good frens, best frens, boyfrends, girlfrens and others it takes both parties to make the relationship work. i resent the fact if i have to initiate things most of the time or i have to ignore u becoz i resent ur presents.

i think im one of the most giving person u can ever meet...giving my time, toughts, love, opinion almost anythg but though not often i do hope that u are able to do the same as well...i think each day is a present which u open everyday to find surprises beyond your imagination and by the end of the day i tink u wil be grateful for it...

i think family is the most important unit in life that you cannot push aside nor ignore totally despite whatever achievements you may have accomplished in life...yes friends do understand what you are going trough but family will always accept you for who you are when everyone else turns their back to you....

i am talking too much...yes maybe it is becoz i do love to talk...though i seem quiet when im in a crowd...i think i function better in small groups...a good team player...but i despise the fact when u are able to make me feel small & unworthy...

i shall write again soon ...hopefully...until then always remember that as hard n difficult life may be to you...others have it worst...you are not alone...you are never alone...